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Okay guys, I'm back. Sort of.
I know I was gone for a bit longer than I said I would be. As much as I would like to say it was because I was too busy with school and life, that's not the main reason. In Europe, I did a lot of thinking. About myself. And no, it was not my usual conceited daydreaming. I started thinking about the things that have happened in the past year. The ways I've handled different situations. And most of all, the ways I've treated other people.
When I look back on this past year or so, I realize that I have not exactly been a good person. I suppose there's no need in candy-coating it anymore. I've been a terrible person. I've done horrible things to good people for no reason other than to have a good laugh or to make myself look more powerful. I always knew what I was doing was wrong, of course. But I ignored that fact. I had a small group of people I called “friends” who would praise everything that I did, and that was enough to keep me from acknowledging the horrible things I was doing. By the time I came to terms with everything, it was too late.
There is one person in particular who I'd like to single out. If you're reading this, you know who you are. I never had the chance to give you a real apology. Whatever I told you before was most likely a lie I told to weasel my way out of trouble. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to me anymore, after all, what I've done is unforgivable. Either way... I'm so sorry. I was immature, stupid, evil... Instead of being an understanding friend and trying to help you with your problems, I got frustrated and gave up. Not only did I laugh at you behind your back, but I got others to join in. I took everything way too far... what began as a cruel inside joke turned into a malicious attempt to hurt you. I don't know if you remember the first fight we had... I hadn't gone completely insane yet, but I was well on my way. I never told you why I flew off the handle like that, but I'm sure you knew. I was jealous. You were my best friend, and I was jealous that you had made a friend you got along with better than me. Of course, I was always too proud to admit it.
I betrayed your trust on numerous occasions. You were a good person to forgive me so easily, and each and every time I would turn around and do something else to hurt you. It was not mischievous fun, as I had myself convinced it was. It was evil. I know I got worse over time... and so did my ego. I was so self-centered that no one else's feelings mattered to me. I was so preoccupied with my own self-worship that I didn't realize what a great friend I had. And because of that, I lost what was probably the best friend I've ever had. I know that there's nothing I can do to make it up to you. The damage is done, and I've broken your trust way too many times. I know there's probably no way in hell that you'll forgive me. But just know that I'm sorry... and this time I really mean it.
Well, after thinking everything over I decided that the best thing to do was to change it. I can't change what I've done of course, but I can change myself. My attitude, my personality... everything. And while I'm still not perfect, I know that I will never make the same mistakes I did in the past. So in short, I'm a different person now than I was then. I don't take pleasure in tormenting people. I don't think I'm God's gift to the world. I don't think I'm better than anyone. I do accept the consequences of my actions. I know I most likely won't get back any of the friends I've lost. Yes, it sucks, but it's a bitter reminder of what I've done. I'm sure there's a lot of you who won't believe me, and you have every right to think that. But I sincerely mean everything I've said here. Please know that I will not be rude to anyone... regardless of what has happened between us in the past. So if there's anything you wanted to talk about, please don't be afraid to.
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